It hurts ..

hello bloggers :/ I'm kinda down at this time of the night .. I dun noe, just wish to let it all out here .. I know those who are reading this are my close friends and my boyfriend .. maybe .. if he still remembers that I'm always updating my blog .. nonetheless, I feel so empty tonight .. I couldn't figure out the reason .. and as I'm typing this, I realised that, we can't always expect much from people .. we have to be standing on our own feet, needless if we're attached, married or even single .. all my hopes were crushed tonight .. I forced myself to be strong .. to not cry over petty matters .. but then again, I'm soft inside .. It's just ME .. I can't sleep for the past few nights, missing him, because he's far away from me .. but tonight, I can even close my eyes .. because I know that he's back, but yet, I still miss him .. I shouldn't be feeling this since he's back .. and why am I feeling this ? Maybe I should just blame myself .. blame myself for hoping that he will give all his attention .. blame myself for hoping that he knows that I've been missing him .. blame myself for poking my nose into his MSN chats, blame myself for confronting a girl that chatted with him before, blame myself for standing up for him, blame myself for EVERY SINGLE THING !!

Things have changed and my biggest fear is that he will change :') every night before going to sleep, I'll always pray to God to make us a stronger being .. to be able to overcome all the hurdles in life .. but then, I guess God doesn't YET wanna answer my prayers .. I will never stop praying to HIM .. now that he's safe at home, I'm more than contented :') Gdnite love .. I love you and I miss US :')

It's already 3.38am now .. and I still can't sleep .. everybody's at their dreamland .. and I'm still stuck in reality .. I'm tired today .. walking the whole day with my friends .. I guess I laughed too much just now .. and I'm sitting here, crying at night .. life's unpredictable .. we wouldn't know what will happen in 5 minutes time .. how I wish I can work .. but I'll just wish upon wishes :) I guess he's already asleep now .. I'm planning to go to kimie's place in the morning later .. but, I can't even sleep NOW .. my body tells me that I'm tired .. but, my mind couldn't stop thinking .. I shall have to off the internet connection in a while and I guess I'll just lay in bed staring at the wall .. maybe, that way, I can sleep .. gdnite bloggers .. iloveyou boyfriend :')

Turning 22 in a week's time :))

It's the 29th today .. so, that means, boyfriend will come back in 2 days' time :)) I'm surprised that I can survived for the past 8 days :)) it's not that I can live without him, but the thing is, I'm more independent whenever he's not around .. boyfriend wants me to be dependent on myself if he's not around .. unless if he's around, I'll depend on him .. hehe ! i miss him soo much .. no words to describe it :( but alhamdulillah, we made it thru ayang :)) and ... I'm turning 22 in a weeks' time !! time passed in a blink of an eye :)) alhamdulillah once again that I'm celebrating my brithday with boyfriend for the 2nd time :)) April's gonna be an extremely one of the best months :)) we're gonna have a gathering this coming weekend, followed by my birthday, and then the following weekend will be boyfriend's birthday !! this time round, I'm not gonna let him know what's my surprise for him for his birthday ! haaha ! he's always spoiling my surprise plans for him .. MBS was supposed to be a surprise, but, he ended up knowing everything =/ haiyoo ! so, boyfriend, plss .. let me surprise you atleast once :)) you've given me alot of surprises ..

My sister is being super irritating for the past few days !! I can't stand her !! I dun wanna hate her or else my daughter will be like her .. but, she's really attracting everybody's attention and acting as if whatever she's doing is RIGHT !! I seriously HATE her !! I guess step siblings are really not meant to be close even how close we try to be :)) well, I also guess it's because I hate her dad ! enough about her in my blog .. wasting my precious time !

Now, I'm watching Buku Harian Baim :)) this gorgeous boy is sooo adorable !! I love watching his show every single day at 6pm .. I wished my daughter will grow up to be like him :)) he really take care of his mum at the age of 3 .. can you imagine that ? he won't let his mum drop a tear .. always be there for her 'Bunda' (he calls his mum that) :)) to sum it all, I've never see a 3 year old boy like him .. very intelligent in talking and have a gold heart :)) I salute his parents for his upbringing :))

Everybody wants birthday presents for their birthday .. I used to think that way too :)) my family always wanted to celebrate my birthday in the past, but then, I was in Girls' Home .. last year we managed to celebrate my 21st birthday at home with family and friends :)) but for my 22nd birthday, all I wished for is to be a good mum to my daughter .. I thank my mum for bringing me up to this complicated yet beautiful life .. It's ironic indeed .. I'm contented with the people I have in my life .. my family, my boyfriend and my baby girl :)) I don't wish to lose them in any ways .. unless God loves them more than I do .. and I also pray that God will somehow answer my prayers .. I wanna grow old with the person whom I love with all my heart .. my boyfriend .. obstacles after obstacles won't falter us .. insyallah, we will remain strong :)) i love you boyfriend .. never will I forsake you and our baby .. let's go thru this together :)

I'll end my blog here for today :)) so much of self reflection I've done here :) I love you boyfriend ! come home soon !!

Life as it is :))

hello bloggers ! I'm done with my dinner :)) first and foremost, I'm terribly missing my boyfriend :)) but, I'm left with 2 more days for him to come back .. and after that, I'm looking forward for our upcoming events :)) Super excited !! the pictures I posted are the places that we're gonna go this coming weekend ! yeaa ! And my mum actually allowed me to go .. Surprising much !! in the first place, I didn't wanna inform her that I'm gonna overnight at MBS .. but then, I decided to tell her and face all her naggings ! but, I was shocked when she actually allowed me to overnight .. I understand the reason she won't allow me to overnight is because I'm pregnant and I know her intentions are good .. but, I promised her that I will take good care of myself :)) I'm lucky to have my mum and granny to take care of me during my pregnancy .. or else, I wouldn't know all the "pantang2" during pregnancy :)) and I'm sure that when my baby has arrived to this world, they will take extra care of my baby girl :))

So, yesterday, we cleaned up my room for the arrival of my baby :)) now, my room is in tip top condition for my baby to stay in :)) kalau tak, very the dusty u noe ! hehe ! my granny even wants me to deliver ASAP .. WTH ! hahaa ! Boyfriend.I.Miss.You ! I watched a video at Youtube, and I learnt something .. here's the dialogue ..

" I always believe that when something bad happens, it is a warning as it is payment for vices we had done, whether we realize it or not .. But it is difficult to accept something so hideous .. We're always hoping that there will only be green meadows and blue skies .. When bad things happen, our plan in our life changes .. everything will be different .. Like it or not, this is life .. "

signing off,

Ae'mma

PS: I love boyfriend :))

Extremely Bored !!

okay, I'm extremely bored right now !! boredom is KILLING me !! ayang, please come home fast !! I'm going crazy already .. I've got no mood to do even a single thing !! I haven't even complete what I wanna do !! OMG ! ayang, you really have a great impact in my life .. I'm so restless without you here :( we've never been separated for this long .. atleast, during the 1 week that we didn't meet, I would atleast get to talk to you .. but this time round, 10 solid days, without talking to you !! ohh goshh !! killing me .. please God, pass the time faster :(( I really miss my boyfriend .. actually, I was supposed to be cleaning up my room today .. spring cleaning .. but then, I've really got no mood to do anything .. I'll just sit infront of my laptop, update my blog, and send tons and tons of message to boyfriend ! hahaa ! psychotic freak !! and when the time comes to have my meal, bathe, I'll just do it .. then, I'll force myself to sleep when my back is really aching ! haixx !! I wouldn't want to separate with boyfriend for this long EVER again !! even my diary haven't been completed yet .. and it's wayyy pass the due date already !! what the hell is happening to me !! I wanna do my things, but didn't managed to complete it !! how like that ?? now, I feel like lying down and stare at the ceiling .. I'll clean up my room if I have the mood to do so later on :(( with the help from my mum of course .. haixx .. i miss you ayang :(( i love you so much .. will update later on tonight .. bubye bloggers =/

What He's Done For Me

For so long I've been lonely
Drowning in my tears,
No one there to listen
Or help me face my deepest fears.
No one there to shelter me
From this world so full of pain,
No one showed me rainbows
Every time I saw the rain.

No one there to give a damn
About my broken heart,
No one to pick up the pieces
Every time I fell apart.
But, finally someone came along
And took the time to know,
All the hurt and pain
That I tried hard not to show.

He took the time to realize
How much I've had to pay,
For every time I gave of me
There was something taken away.
He took the time to look inside
This heart as cold as stone,
He found that there was something there
No one else has ever known.

He found what I'd been hiding there
Brought it out to show the world,
That there was so much love inside
Of such a lonely girl.
He knew what I was feeling
So he set my mind at ease,
Then he did the impossible -
He gave my soul to me.

So, now I'm going to take this time
To say "Thanks" for all he's done,
And hope he knows I love him more
Then life or anyone.

Im not gonna update my blog today .. lots of things to be done before boyfriend comes home :)) iloveyou ayang .. please come home soon !

8 freaking days left !!

hello bloggers ! see this cute little star ? it's left behind at boyfriend's house :(( kesian die tido sorang2 .. slalunye die tido dgn boyfriend .. well, today, boyfriend's left with 8 more days to come back !! yea ! and I was so excited that he actually on his hp there .. haha ! dpt dgr ringing tone pon jadi la .. but still, he can read all my messages :) well, last night, I couldn't sleep well .. gue kangen sama pacar gue :)) I miss him soo much .. I've enquired about the MBS thingy and guess what, no dining available for a one-night stay .. haixx ! gotta cook something for those who's coming over .. hidayah recommended me to bring finger foods .. and I guess that will be okay .. but, for those who's gonna overnight there, I'll also bring along some food okay .. all the overnight peeps are big eaters .. ahaha ! dear boyfriend, please come back soon .. I can't sleep a wink last night .. and I think I fell asleep without realising :)) 8 more days to goo ! this weekend I'm gonna clean up my room for our baby's stuff to be placed in there .. I'm watching Lagenda Budak Setan at Astro Ria again .. OMG ! I'm so freaking scared because they actually showed the part whereby Ayu really gave birth and died after that .. seram pee ! It's goona be the end of March soon .. and then April .. 15th of April will be my 9 mths scanning :)) will see baby g for the lsat time thru scanning and then, she'll be born to this world :) I soo can't wait for that moment ! will continue later on, gotta cook for my family .. then, bath and finally, pray :) imissyou ayang !

I'm missing my Boyfriend =/

It's been 16 hours since boyfriend fly off to China :( and now, I'm starting to miss him already .. belom lagi satu hari .. and I'll still have another 9 more days to wait for him .. ayang, I really miss you truckloadsss !! pleaseeee come back home soonnn ! I'm really going insane !! am wondering what are you doing at this point of time there .. mesti tengah mcm org KIASU kan .. hehe ! whatever it is, I hope you'll enjoy your stay there .. must have fun ok ayang :)) nonetheless, we'll be looking forward to couple of events after you come back here okay :)) our birthdays especially ! hehe ! ayang, I've already deleted all your girl friends in your msn .. i mean, those whom you're not in contact with anymore .. and I tell you, it took me almost half and hour to delete each and every one of them .. dah brape lame agaknye u simpan pompan2 ni semue .. banyak sgt :)) like I said, I wanna avoid misunderstanding between us .. and I don't wish to control you .. so, sebelom pompan2 ni semuer nak kasi kite gadoh, baik kite buat mcm gini okay ayang :)) I noe, setan tu slalu ade untuk goda kite supaya kite gado .. kalau dulu, kite slalu kene goda dgn setan .. you remember how we used to quarrel in the past right .. our physical fights was the worst of all !! haha ! experience taught us to be more rational in handling our problems now .. we're gonna be parents soon .. so, I guess, it's best we learn from now :)) i love you my dear ! never will I forsake you and our baby G ! hehe ! I'll sacrifice whatever it takes for the 3 of us to be happy :) insyallah, everything will go on smoothly .. I just want us to be faithful and respect each other ;) ok love, I'll continue updating my blog till you come back from China okay ? will update again tomorrow .. Gdnite ayang ! Sweet dreams .. iloveyou !

Happy 1st Anniversary Love

Today marks the first year of us being together :)) but then, boyfriend will be going to China tonite :( Nonetheless, I'm glad we came this far :)) facing thru all the hurdles in our relationship and still remained strong .. what matter the most is that, we gotta trust our partner and that is the main ingredient of being in a relationship :)) yes, we've broke each other's trust once .. or I can say, a couple of times .. but then again, we don't wanna lose watever we've built together .. and there comes the saying, " trust is to be earned by gaining it " it doesn't come rolling at your feet .. and I can say, it's difficult to gain one's trust :)) there will be stepping stones along the way to guide us to reach for what we want .. despite the circumstances that we're facing right now .. but, I have faith in God .. to help us in all the obstacles we're facing .. yes, God is the one who give us all the obstacles, but ironically, He's also the one who will help us face thru the obstacles :)) I will edit more later on .. need to clean my hammy's cage ! :))

I'm done cleaning Hammy's cage :)) boyfriend's not home yet, and he's going off to China by tonite :(( I'm gonna dread the 10 long days ahead of me .. boyfriend, please come back ASAP okay ! remember the letter I wrote for you .. must bring it along okay ! So, I guess I gotta do a timetable for the next 10 days .. hmm .. Shall start plotting it by tomorrow .. and I've also promised myself to wake up for my Subuh Prayers starting by tomorrow .. I must force myself for a start ! or else, I'll be lazy to wake up and only pray 4 times a day :)) I'll always pray for boyfriend's safety .. insyallah, everything will go smoothly okay ayang :)) don't be so imaginative and create all sorts of imagination in your mind about ur flight okay ! Say your prayers before boarding the plane and everything's gonna be FINE ! I'll behave myself and faithfully wait for you okay dear :)) okay, boyfriend is already home before flying off later ! I'm gonna spend all the time left with him :)) iloveyou ayang ! please take care of yourself ya !

Matters of the Heart :)

hello everyone :)) I've just put boyfriend to sleep thru webcam .. now, I'm gonna update my blog before going to bed .. well, tomorrow's my check up, and I think I'll be going there alone .. boyfriend will be working .. it's ok .. i understand that he's bz .. boyfriend told me what he felt earlier on .. ayang, I'm not like what you think ok :) I love you .. and only you .. I appreciate what u've let out just now .. and I do appreciate all the things that u've done for me .. we've learn to open up to one another .. and we're taking things in a positive way :)) like how u reacted when I told you what I felt the other day .. remember ? I do appreciate that u atleast tried not to do the things that I don't like :)) atleast we know that the level of respect we have for each other is there .. I'm happy that now, we settle things in a rational way .. unlike in the past .. u know how we used to quarrel rite :)) hehe ! klakar tau ingat2 balek .. but then, those experience are stepping stones for us to build a better future :)) we'll take things slowly and surely, we'll achieve what we want .. I seriously can't wait to start working and help u out .. atleast kalau I dah start keje, everything will go smoothly .. insyallah :)) have faith in God love and I'm sure God will help us out :)) for now, we just concentrate on our baby .. in 5 days time, it's our 1st year anniversary :)) time do fly I must say .. but then, we've gone thru all kinds of SHIT .. haha ! yet, we remained strong .. alhamdulillah :)) ayang, don't stop praying to God, for the baby's future, for our future .. I love you .. always .. like I said, I wanna grow old with you :)) we're turning 22 soon .. and we're becoming parents soon ! haha ! don't let others bring us down .. we'll shine thru ayang :)) don't worry .. you're not useless .. I love you for who you are, not WHAT you are .. you are a responsible father to your daughter :)) because I know that .. your daughter's needs are more important than urs .. u've shown that ayang .. and I know ur sincere in every single thing you did for me .. don't belittle urself and think that u're useless love .. I witnessed every single thing you do for me and your daughter .. and I thank God for having you in my life .. for being sincere, faithful and honest to me .. the Khairul Izam I see now is not the Khairul Izam I see in the past .. you're a changed person now .. and I'm proud of you .. I'm not ashamed to blog in here that you're a changed person now, even if we've made ample of mistakes in the past .. so ayang, don't ever ever think that u're a useless person okay .. I love you and I'll always be there for u, thru thick and thin .. kite susah and senang same2 ok ayang :)) it's time for me to sleep .. remember, I love you ;) gdnite ayang !

Everything Done :))

Okay, its already past midnight, but I'm still not asleep yet .. waiting for boyfriend to call me :)) Today, me, boyfriend, kimie and acin went shopping for our baby's stuff .. from harbour front to IKEA (Tampines) and lastly, Mustaffa Centre .. Everything settled on my side .. Such a tiring day I must say .. with the 'Braxton Hicks' contraction that comes along the way .. OMG ! it's really killing me ! and I wonder what it's like to have the REAL contractions .. hah ! ni baru practice nye contraction for our muscles :)) well, just wait and see ! So, after that, we went back at around 11 plus I guess .. I was super duper extremely TIREDD !! and till now, the contractions are still lingering around my abdomen area ! how am I supposed to sleep :(( and ...... today is our hamster's 1st Monthsary !! :)) Happy Monthsary Hammies !! please behave yourself and don't breed too soon okayy :)) or else I will have a handful of babies to take care of ;) I'm glad that the hammies are back to normal .. hair already grown :) tomorrow, I'll just be relaxing myself .. too much walking today .. too much strain on my backbone .. so, boyfriend and I will just relax ourselves :) Okay guys, I guess I'm gonna tuck in real soon .. after putting boyfriend to sleep :)) thank u for everything ayang - from ur ayang and ur babygirl :)) we love you ! ;) Gdnite Bloggers !

ILoveYou

Specially for Boyfriend :)

I don't always tell you

how much joy you bring

it means more to me

than anything

I don't always tell you

that the love you give

brighten all the days

that I live

I don't always tell you

what's in my heart

that you are the most

important part

I don't always thank you

for the many things you do

or tell you how much

I really love you :))

Ohh Myyy Goddd !

I didn't know what I did to my blog :( I wanted to change the background, but ended up deleting the songs !! NYAWEE !! help meeee !! what am I supposed to do now :( I dun wanna change any further and resulting in deleting the whole blog ! hah ! well, it's been a while I updated my blog .. alot of things to be settled :) and guess what ! I'm off from tag !! wuhooooo !! Went to JB on the Saturday night .. Met boyfriend yesterday, and went back at 12 am .. hahahaa ! balek kene marahh .. but, I did have fun ! boyfriend, iloveyou :) ok, now, im looking forward for this weekend :)) gonna buy baby's stuffs !! I'm soooooooo excitedd :) then, i'm looking forward for our 1st yr anniversary, followed by our 22nd birthday, and lastly, MY DELIVERY ! Goshh ! T.R.A.U.M.A !! hahahaa ! hoping that everything's gonna run smoothly *cross fingers* well, boyfriend isn't home yet .. I'm going check up this coming Wednesday :) I posted this at facebook today .. " trust is something u gotta gain .. I've learnt not to share my problems with people that's isn't close to me .. because, at the end of the day, every human being will know ur problems :)) The handful of people that can be trusted are ur family members, husband/wife, soulmates, best friends whom u trust and lastly, GOD :)) I've learnt it the hard way in the past .. regretted doing that .. frens, dun trust anybody .. becoz, everybody have thier own motive when they wanna help u .. especially, when the help comes from a guy :)) boyfriend, im sorry to do that in the past :)) because now, im comfortable relating to u :)) iloveyou ! ok, im done blogging for today because boyfriend's coming home sooonnn !! gdnite all :))